The Three Lions have been a tough watch in Germany, but they might just end up as European champions
“Your professional capability is questioned beyond belief, and I don’t think it’s normal to have beer thrown at you either,” Gareth Southgate pointed out after leading England to their third major tournament semi-final since he took over in 2017.
Southgate is right, of course. It isn’t normal to have beer thrown at you, something that the giddy masses packed in front of the nation’s various big screens on Saturday would have done well to remember when Trent Alexander-Arnold whipped home the winning penalty against Switzerland.
BUKAYO SAKA YOU LITTLE BEAUTY! 🤯@CocaCola_GB @carling @England pic.twitter.com/4yeCvzWJZV
— BOXPARK WEMBLEY (@BoxparkWembley) July 6, 2024
And yet, in the aftermath of that shootout triumph, Southgate’s need to defend his record to those who “ridicule” him was telling of the feeling that has clouded England’s whole Euro 2024 campaign.
We shouldn’t sugar coat it. Considering the talent at his disposal, even the most fervent Southgate defenders would struggle to argue that the Three Lions have performed anywhere close to their potential over the past three weeks. The lack of chance creation has been genuinely staggering, players all over the field are massively underperforming and the tactics are about as enthralling as a Harry Kane post-match interview.
Despite this, England are now just two victories away from securing their first men’s major tournament triumph in nearly 60 years. And, as difficult as it might be for those who like their football slightly less miserable, it’s surely time for a nation that lives to moan to fully get behind their slightly dull national team.
If that concept seems difficult to accept, you are likely not alone. Fortunately, GOAL has put together a guide to stomaching what are likely to be the final throes of Southgate-ball – starting with the semi-final against the Netherlands on Wednesday.
It could be worse…
Hammering home your opponents’ shortcomings can be an effective way of making yourself seem more appealing, as Labour’s recent General Election victory showed. With that in mind, it’s worth remembering that England could be a hell of a lot worse off.
Neighbours Scotland, for example, treated their fans to just 17 shots all tournament long, the fewest ever in modern Euros group-stage history. Italy, the team who broke their hearts in the final at Wembley three years ago, meanwhile, limped through the groups before crashing out in the last 16. Germany, for all of their scintillating football, are also gone, while Portugal’s feverish Cristiano Ronaldo obsession proved to be their undoing against France.
If we cast our gaze across the Atlantic, England’s boring football looks even less concerning. After years of hype and pre-tournament promises of kickstarting an American football revolution, the United States men’s national team couldn’t even get through a Copa America group containing relative minnows Panama and Bolivia. Brazil endured a miserable summer too, exiting at the quarter-final stage to Uruguay.
So, when you feel yourself getting worked up over another spell of sterile, mind-numbing possession on Wednesday evening, take some solace in the fact that you’re still able to watch your national team play this deep into July. A lot of supporters of well-fancied teams heading into the summer are not as lucky.
Just get really into defending
For all of England’s issues, Euro 2024 has provided a few reasons to be cheerful. Heading into the tournament, Harry Maguire’s injury and John Stones’ lack of fitness led to defensive concerns. The man slated to replace Maguire, Marc Guehi, also missed a huge chunk of the season with a knock of his own. However, these worries soon took a back seat during the group stages.
In possession, England may have been a stodgy mess, but they rarely looked like conceding. Indeed, Morten Hjulmand’s long-range rasper for Denmark was the only time Jordan Pickford would be beaten through their first three games, with the Three Lions giving up the fewest xG during the groups.
Things haven’t been quite as solid in the knockouts, with Slovakia and Switzerland causing England problems. Pickford rose to the occasion in both of those games, though, making a string of good saves before again playing the hero in the quarter-final shootout. Ezri Konsa’s solid display in the absence of the suspended Guehi was another positive to come out of the Switzerland victory, too.
Obviously, it’s harder to passionately get behind a team whose best quality is defending. But if you want to make the semi-final an easier watch, you should consider embracing your inner Roy Hodgson. Celebrate every block. Weep with joy at the sight of every Declan Rice tackle. Politely applaud when England recover their shape after a turnover. It’s not quite ‘joga bonito’, but it just might make the offensive shortcomings a bit easier to stomach.
A sideways pass is still a completed pass
Speaking of that lack of attacking spark, perhaps the real issue is how we are all measuring success with the ball. Yes, England may be accumulating less than 1.0 xG per 90 minutes in Germany, but we all know there’s only one stat that really matters: completed short passes.
We’ve been conditioned to think watching the Three Lions endlessly knock it sideways between each other is tiresome. But what if we collectively rewired our brains to appreciate pointless possession? If we manage that, there’s a lot to like about this England team.
No side left in the competition are averaging more short passes per 90 minutes than the Three Lions, and their overall pass competition rate is the fifth-best at Euro 2024.
To surmise, us England fans must learn to embrace the ponderousness of it all. A sideways pass is still a completed pass after all, and if our opponents don’t have possession, they cannot score.
Okay, let’s move on. It’s beginning to sound a bit cult-y…
Blindly hope a half-fit Shaw will solve everything
In a crowded field of issues, England’s dysfunctioning left-hand side has garnered most attention over the course of the tournament. Kieran Trippier is Public Enemy No.1 in this regard, with the Newcastle man being accused of slowing his side down in possession and failing to provide any width.
In Southgate’s defence, it’s pretty clear that playing Trippier out of position was only ever supposed to be a short-term solution. If all had gone to plan, Luke Shaw – taken to the tournament despite not being fully fit – should have been starting by now. But due to a few setbacks in his recovery, he was only ready enough for 12 minutes plus extra-time against Switzerland. Still, that cameo was more than enough to offer some hope that he might be the messiah his country needs.
There were one or two signs of ring rust, but for the most part he performed well at left wing-back, likely doing enough to earn a significant role in the semi-finals. Shaw himself has admitted he “owes [Southgate] a lot” for riskily including him in the 26. Now it’s time for him to repay that backing, as his nation blindly hopes that he is the missing piece to finally kickstart the England machine into life.
Try and forget the club season
Every time an international tournament comes around, casual football fans cannot avoid getting caught up in the excitement. And these hordes of less-committed followers must be watching on with puzzlement as the players they heard so much about heading into the tournament falter.
Harry Kane, England’s all-time record goal-scorer and current holder of the European Golden Shoe, has been lethargic. Phil Foden, voted the Premier League’s best player last season, has looked lost. Even Jude Bellingham, the all-conquering force whose face is plastered on billboards up and down the nation, has hardly lit up the tournament, aside from a moment of inspired beauty against Slovakia.
There is no way to make this trio of disappointments alright. So, to put it bluntly, you’re better off trying to forget about it. Stop thinking about Bellingham’s clutch moments for Real Madrid. Stop daydreaming about Foden’s career-best goal haul for Manchester City. Stop remembering all the records Kane broke in Bavaria. These versions of the players are all long gone.
Weary after a unprecedented, packed club schedule over the past few years, they’re all in dire need of an extended rest. Expectations needs to managed, or, better yet, everyone needs to wipe how good they can be from their memories. It’ll make it much easier to cope if they look like shadows of their former selves once again on Wednesday.
Just stick something else on!
If all else fails, there is a failsafe option. Simply don’t tune in. Life’s too short to get worked up by football. Use the two hours to learn a new skill, call up a friend, make some banana bread or simply stick something on the telly you know you are going to enjoy.
A new season of The Bear has just come out, though if you’re attempting to avoid a lengthy build-up that ultimately leads to nothing, you might be best to steer clear of that too.
If England do suddenly decide to spring to life, you can always watch it back on demand anyway…
Source goal.com
